What is love?

I used to have a different opinion of what love is. I thought it was subjugation, giving up myself to make someone else happy. Putting someone else’s needs before my own. Sacrifice and surrender. I thought it was all the fairy tale stuff we have been taught. The happy endings in the movies. I tried to live this way in my marriage, but it did not work, it wasn’t real. I thought if I kept acting the part, eventually it would be real. Wrong.

Here is what I have learned. I had to accept myself, as I am, before I could even think about loving someone else. I had to develop a sense of self worth and value. I had to find it in myself, so someone else could see it. This took some work. I had been beaten down, from outside and inside for a long time. I had to let go of this, learn to be myself again. When I got to this point, let me tell you, the world opened up. I opened up. There was a peace to being genuine I did not expect. An ease, to not looking outside for validation. Granted, it took some encouragement from the outside to get me there, but it is self sustaining.

So here I was, getting my self confidence back, feeling pretty good. Now I had to overcome some of societies bad lessons. I had always thought that I could only tell one woman I loved her at a time, because if I said I loved her, I must want to marry her. Like most men, (IMHO) love is equal to sex. This is so far from my reality now. I have learned that the more I love, the move I share it with others, the more I have to give.

The first time I said I love you to a woman, that was not my soon to be ex wife, was amazing. It changed me a little. Here was a woman, who was a dear friend, and now my adopted sister, and I told her I loved her. It did not matter how she felt or if she said it back. It was just important for her to know what she meant to me. The importance I placed on our relationship. It had nothing to do with any sort of male/female relationship. It was so liberating, like I had loosed some shackles. Then there were more, male and female, that I said I love you too. The relationships were all different, but all important. This seemed to go against everything I was taught, everything the world showed to me as an example. I was bursting with love and at peace with myself.

So, why do I love my girlfriend? I could list the usual things: pretty, funny, intelligent, similar interests. Those are all very true. But the main reason is, she feels like home. There is a peace when I am with her. There is no effort to be what I think she wants me to be. I can be 100% myself and not worry about what she might think. There is also no need. I hear so many people talk about needing to be with their partner. There is plenty of want, of desire to be with her, but no need.

I love her because she is exactly who she is and I am me when I am with her.

Doug

P.S. Ask questions.

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